Excess

Five computers and one laptop...that's one for every member of the family including the dog with one leftover for those guests we never entertain because the guest room is a stockpile of old clothes, pepto bismol colored paint, a vacuum cleaner that hasn't worked anytime in the past five years and vintage costumes from that time in third grade I danced in a remake of Fiddler on the Roof. Why god, why?

Three guitars. Really just an excuse to keep dust off the carpet. I'm getting there....but very, very slowly.

Seven tv sets, four of which are in the basement. One hooked up to PS2, one for old school Nintendo, one for N64 and one that just adds to the ambiance. I want to gouge out the screen and insides and make it into a fishbowl...at least then it'd be getting some use.


Two doghouses for one dog - she doesn't use either. Multiple copies of the same shit movies on vhs AND dvd. Six pairs of scissors in one drawer, most of which are held together with a fashionable duct tape/red string combo. More cameras than I can count (but really I'm okay with that,) photos from grade school in bathrooms, kitchen drawers and on windowsills, fake flowers in every room, paint samples, carpet swatches, slippers just for the dog to chew. In short...an abundance of crap that makes me question how these people have managed not to drown yet.

Initial Shocks

Five minutes into the American Airlines flight from Tokyo to Chicago two stewardesses began bitching about some passenger in first class that didn't speak English. Nice. The woman behind began blabbing in a voice ten decibels above normal speech about inane articles in the shite magazine provided. I usually prefer to read my articles, especially if they're craptacular entertainment issues on the breakup of some Hollywood couple I probably haven't even heard of. Immigration procedure at O'Hare, two sections, residents and visitors. Five million people in the visitor line, most with connecting flights. About five in the resident lines...yes, that's right. I said lines, plural. WTF? Some burly cop starts yelling at a guy that, again, doesn't speak English, because he forgot to hand over the airport pen provided for customs forms. Are they really more concerned with material possessions (pens...which isn't much of a possession) than safety? And when, in the course of this past year I've been absent, did it become a federal law that every person who walks about the country must speak this language? I missed that memo.

Wasn't a good start to the homecoming, but it's good to be back...in a way. I no longer have to cook for myself, waste eight hours a day at a desk or bow as I enter stores, but I have to be careful about what I say. I've grown used to yelling out obscenities whenever I desired, as I knew no one understood. Now, I'm just that girl that bows when entering stores, avoids eye contact and yells "fuck" when the record store doesn't carry any Mingus.

Much has changed...just can't seem to delineate outside change from personal change.

What you and I have been through

They say you learn something new every day. Now, I’m not sure who ‘they’ really is. For all practical purposes they could be the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world, and we’re gonna go with that. So…in counting the big black and blue X’s adorning my calendar, I have been in the ninth ring of Japan for 349 days. That’s 349 new pearls of wisdom, 349 reasons I should be more intelligent than when I started…

*Disclaimer: none are necessarily true, most are biased, politically incorrect, bullshit…Japan is fallible.

1. Shanghai is the syphilitic whore of the orient
2. Otskara sama desu is the Japanese catch-all phrase…much like ‘Prego’ and ‘vale’ 1001 uses….really
3. Croatia does not exist, it is a figment of my imagination. All those natives…made up, one big conspiracy theory
4. An unnamed Japanese source who sits very close to me believes the Chinese walk like monkeys…and we wonder why hostility exists. I was under the impression we all derived from the same species, so...
5. The sun is red
6. Killing and eating whales is no different than eating beef (I'm not sure I buy that)
7. The average desk chair travels 8 miles a year
8. Jared, that annoying Subway spokesman, would make a great Presidential write-in
9. I am terribly underrepresented within the realm of the Google search
10. If you interrupt terrible grammar and orthographic mistakes with sexual diseases, no one will notice your shortcomings
11. Los del Rio ‘sang’ the Macarena…this is why capital punishment still exists
12. The word ‘hotness’ is not utilized enough in the English language
13. No one can definitively tell me whether Russia fits within the realm of Asia or Europe
14. Same note. Central America - Is that technically North America or South?
15. Toyotomi Hideyoshi built Osaka Castle in 1583 - and I didn’t even have to look that up.
16. Children’s games can go awry very quickly
17. The quack of a duck doesn't echo because...
18. National Geographic claims there are 220 countries in the world, whereas the U.S. officially recognizes 196 countries. This proves NG can't count.
19. Finding watered-down porn in your email inbox doesn't make your day...oddly
20. Hello Kitty will one day rule the world...and my pink-fearing self cowers in terror

And that is nowhere near 349, I'm sparing you.

If you've made it this far, note that I'm off for a few days in Tokyo before heading home. The next time I post I'll be stateside, jet-lagged, drowning in Dr. Pepper and, hopefully, toasted...though not on Dr. Pepper.

Reflections on a week

Monday, Tuesday: The worst day of my life, followed by a day worse than the worst day of my life.

Wednesday: Flowers from anonymous. Bit creepy, but who am I to complain? Other than someone who complains a lot.

Thursday: Last class with my Takeno third graders. They made me cards and drew disproportionate pictures of my head. It was cute. Five minutes later I made a student cry. That Teacher of the Year award is mine...I can feel it. Last English conversation class with the townees. Wasted ten minutes pronouncing Leonardo DiCaprio. Most stuck with DiCrapio...and I'm okay with that. Was asked to write out three wishes. Was asked to then read my three wishes, at which point I realized the phrase 'financial massacre' was beyond the linguistic means of my students as sarcasm is not appreciated.


(Blonde? Really? You wanna piss me off?)

Friday: Last class with my Kawai fourth grade. They played Eidel Weiss on the recorder, I pretended to enjoy, realized I may actually miss these kids after all. Wasted fifteen minutes contemplating where Kentucky went wrong raising Tom Cruise. Another ten wondering how he's still in business. Spent two hours at the post office, where I learned that the postal system here is more antiquated than non-fluoride toothpaste. It should consider itself cursed, and now I'm out 33,800 yen for one box. Holy Fuck!

Inebriated Anatidae

There's a song on replay in my mind. A song so old the words have eroded and all that remains is an image. A rain streaked, shell of my childhood and roadtrip antics...an image of a drunk duck decapitated on his wedding day. I was a fucked up child. Certainly doesn't inspire much hope for la futura. And then I found 10,000 yen on the ground.

No...seriously, I did. In a puddle along a deserted street. Thoughts of turning it over to someone crossed my mind...but I don't know how to do that in Japanese. I can barely order a drink in Japanese, and that's a staple. So I'm keeping it, for the time being at least. Until my conscience weighs down upon me and I toss out the soggy paper wad.

I need to get drunk.

Ping Pong Failure

I’m dying to dub someone ‘Dr. Ted Nugent.’ I like to be cold when I sleep. I have an unhealthy love for George Peppard. I once decided to call all strangers ‘Jack’ in the manner of Sinatra. No one found it amusing. Maybe I’ll just call everyone ‘Darling’ like Audrey Hepburn. I hated Vanilla Sky. My house smells of mold and incense. I’ve been known to dislike people for mispronouncing one word. I’m far too critical. I’m craving reruns of MST3K. I’d like to work on a cruise ship for a year. Sometimes I forget the places I’ve been and the things I’ve done - it’s how I keep my life interesting. This is how I categorize my faults, of which there are many. I’ve decided I have far too many shoes for one person with only two feet. I leave Japan in two weeks and four days. One of my eyes is larger than the other…I think. My students think it’s funny I can touch my toes without bending my knees…they’re easily entertained. I'm drinking Coke for breakfast. I’ve listened to the Mosquito Song by QOTSA twelve times all ready today. I’m still a ping pong failure. Oh yeah, and I do NOT have anime eyes.

Darwinism of intelligence

Social Darwinism is a crock! There...I said it. Not only will it take centuries to weed out the intellectually deficient, but who will direct our porn? We rely upon Tarantino's last rate interns to fail miserably in Hollywood and resort to entertaining the masses without the artistic details, intense dialogue and wardrobe. If everyone was raised with a decent amount of common sense and intelligence, who would dance in our strip clubs? Strippers aren't just born. It takes a lot of dead-beat, abusive fathers missing years of ballet recitals before one decides to hug a pole as a career.

I think my point is that no matter how much they piss me off sometimes, when they're gone, when Darwin himself has risen from the dead and instigated another strain of plague which only preys upon the few that make left-hand turns from the right-hand lane, which discredit the existence of Croatia, which fight to the death their 'ideals' of conservatism, country music and the NRA as it's own political party, I'll miss them. Or, at least I'll miss having someone to make me feel more intelligent by comparison...besides, I don't intend to pump my own gas forever.

That whole "form follows function" theory really flies out the window when you consider the existence of gingerbread houses.

I never could read maps

I thought I had something to say, but now I'm not so sure. Just like I thought I'd have done more with my life by this point, but the experiences are fading and the opportunities waning. Thought I'd have figured things out, decided what is it I want out of life, been handed a direct route, but I'm more lost than when I began.

Destined to be directionally challenged.

Robert Frost was fucking delusional in my opinion, to narrow the plethora of options in existence down to a mere two. Jackass!