The Japanese make much tighter paperclips than Americans.

I like that. Seriously, you never have to double clip....or staple.

And that's all I like.

Pete and Repeat

What's on repeat:

The Slackers - Wasted Days
The Dandy Warhols - You Were the Last High...but pretty much for the sole reason of mentioning whores
English Beat - Mirror in the Bathroom
The White Stripes - The Hardest Button to Button
Hepcat - Beautiful
The Distillers - Hall of Mirrors
Mark Lanegan - Wedding Dress
Tom Waits - Little Drop of Poison
Spoon - The Fitted Shirt
Weezer - This is Such a Pity
Mountain Goats - No Children
Death from Above 1979 - Sexy Results
The Skatalites - James Bond Theme...dude...highly entertaining

Yeah, way too much time on the hands.

Got ten little witches?

I'll tell you where to stick 'em.

I don't mind singing. I like singing. But I hate solos. I HATE solos. I especially hate solos to songs that couldn't even pass as mere Mother Gooseries due to lame content and high pitch. Seriously, five octaves above normal voice...I don't think so.

The teacher caught on I wasn't digging the paranormal chanting/singing about ten little witches flying in the sky, so he chimed in. Intuitive...not enough. Did it help? No. Instead of asking the students to sing, which I think they could handle, I get a Village People reject to serve as backup to the worst children's song ever written.

Is this what I had in mind for my future? On the stage, performing to a group of twelve year old boys, leather clad dropout backing me up and serving as comic relief to the all too serious nature of an English lesson revolving around witches?

Actually...yes.

Lauren...

...has a headache.
...wants to gouge her own eyes out.
...is contemplating the demise of her supervisor.
...just now realizes how lame talking about ones self in third person can be
...misses her brother, her dog and Dr. Pepper...in reverse order
...can't take any more fucking rain or she's going to torture and slaughter everyone in her periphery...and that's pretty crazy for a self-proclaimed pacifist
...was probably lying to herself when she assumed pacifism

I'm an idiot

I just realized I was fanning myself with a card that reads, "Lauren 'Hoagie, Give me a Bud Light Bitch' Hoagland." Glad none of my coworkers actually speak English.

Oh wait. The principal speaks English. Wanna guess where he sits?

That would be a big desk directly across from me with nothing inhibiting a direct view.

Nice. Thanks M. You rock!


My ancient Pentax ZX10 has more fun on the weekends than I do. Que triste!

Kyoto

Four days of humidity, photography threatening rain, hangovers, bouts of "Bonzai!!," temples, shrines, Buddhas, taking the wrong city bus despite the fact that the map is 'terribly easy to follow' and not enough coffee. But it was all worth it when that creepy sixty yr. old man stuck his email address down my bra...or when Andrea and...and that....damn! I promised I wouldn't tell. Ah well. The highlights in pixels:


Iwatayama Monkey Park


Omikuji in the rain outside Sanjusangen-do


Kinkaku-ji

Idiots Guide to Making Your Students Cry

...and not just like a few measly droplets that could be a byproduct of allergies. Serious tears that force the shoulders to heave and the head to droop close enough to the floor to kick like a soccer ball.

1. Have your first grade students draw a picture on standard white paper…preferably recycled, but clearly not a requirement for all the Amazon destroying fuckwits

2. Ask each student to display their picture at the front of the classroom, show to the teacher, then ask (in broken English, naturally), “What’s this?”

3. At this point, the ‘teacher’ will respond with any variation of the following:
a. “That, my dear, looks like a black and white conversion of Warhol’s soup cans. Now what is it really?”
b. “It’s a….a……um…steroids?”
c. “Beats the fuck outta me.”
d. “Viking Man? Who the fuck is Viking Man?”

Right around this time you’ll notice a few heads drop, pictures fall to the floor and chins begin to quiver. It’s no long before they're fated to burst into an all out sobfest. Congratulations! If you find this isn’t challenging enough, move on to our complimentary step four, how to emasculate your JTE in front of thirty-six students.

4. When you do manage to decipher a concrete image from the abstract shit your students have ‘drawn’ it’s preferable to respond with a simple, “It’s a ___.” However, if the image exists singularly in time and space, such as Japan, or the sun, answer with proper English, despite the fact that your JTE will correct you by exclaiming, “It’s a sun…It’s a Japan. Use a.” Oh, I’m sorry. I was under the impression I spoke English. Woah...my bad. In that case, I guess the sun really is red and wasting countless billions of dollars on advertising which utilizes a man dressed as a lychee is a fantastic idea and raw horse meat is the best food In. The. World…or, in A world if you don't believe in Croatia.

5. Feel free to quote Wayne’s World: “A gun rack. What am I gonna do with a gun rack? I don’t even own A gun, let alone many guns, that would necessitate an entire gun rack. What am I gonna do...with a gun rack?”

The name game

I distinctly remember as a child my father raving about the house yelling ,”Jesus H. Christ!”…most often after my brother had spewed chocolate milk all over the new white hall carpet or punched his third hole in the drywall with his head upon jumping incessantly on the bed mimicking American Gladiators despite being told 27.34 remainder 5 times, “Go to bed all ready.“ My mother also found this expression useful, though more often in my presence when asked to do something out of her realm, like teach me to change a tire because god knows one day it’ll happen and I’ll be stranded in the middle of the desert with nothing but a twelve disc cd changer and bendy Gumbi figurines adorning the dashboard for slightly humorous and vintage ambiance to keep me company while I’m forced to rely upon AAA, or to settle orthographical debates on ’desert’ vs. ’dessert’, though she could never quite agree on the middle initial, exclaiming instead, “Jesus M. Christ, Lauren, who do you think I am?” This leads me to believe that Jesus’ middle name was never adequately documented. Terrible advertising on his part. How do you know you’re taking his name in vain if one can never be too sure of the specifics? They could have been blasphemizing that twelve-year old Mexican immigrant down the street that spoke five words of English, slapped me with licorice laces and wore socks on his hands, because really, what is the purpose of socks when you don’t possess shoes? Sheer entertainment I imagine. But back to topic…that whole thou shalt not take the name of the lord, thy god, in vain commandment is terribly vague. I blame Charlton Heston. Well, really, that’s just one more reason to blame Heston…like you need yet another…but I do. I do need another reason. And I want someone to clarify the middle initial, or better yet, middle name, of Jesus.

On top of that, I would also like a life. Is that possible?

And in case you’re wondering, I don’t take the lord’s name in vain. I prefer to yell, “Sweet Jesus” which I’m fairly sure is a colorful, hard-shelled candy somewhere, and, therefore, in no way related to any religious figure whatsoever. Unless they started out selling Easter candy, and then I wish they’d explain to me how the resurrection elicited chocolate bunnies larger than my spleen, if not through pagan beliefs.

And if you still doubt me, note that all of my ’lords’ and ’gods’ are lowercase, which means you can send me hate mail at Idontgiveaflyingfuck@yahoo.com.

Depreciation

There are currently more pills in my system than the FDA allows. But I still have a headache. Maybe one more would do the trick?

Yesterday a student asked me how much my house cost. I'm never fond of answering financial questions...espcially ones like, "are you rich?" and "how much money is in your wallet?" because there are no safe answers to questions like these. I usually laugh them off, but this time, I answered with a simple, "Not as much as my college education, little buddy. And that's wrong. At least the house has appreciated to almost double it's initial value, whereas the college degree continues to shrink to minimal worth. Something's wrong with this picture."

He didn't understand.

I think I like it better that way.

Fifth is a hard word to say.

So is twelfth.

Who came up with this stuff?

Day of firsts

First time anyone has ever stirred coffee for me using their finger. Hot coffee. Her finger. In my coffee. Is this a new thing? Because I'm not sure I can give up coffee altogether. Tell me that's not normal.

First time I've had to teach my students to pronounce "mountain momma." Nice.

First time I've sung in front of anyone...since I was eleven, that is. Me singing is bad enough. Me singing with a sinus infection, a song two octaves above anything resembling reasonability, to a song I've never heard before - yes, great fun was had by all....and then some.

Also managed to incur another Fruit Basket injury. FYI: don't wear a skirt to play with children. And don't trust your supervisor when she tells you seaweed on an open wound is beneficial, because really, it just stings like hell and turns your blood green, and really, she just wants me dead. I'm on to her. We will have words....oh yes.

The school has been playing Enya at top volume over the loud speakers for the past two hours.

I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. One more sorry Celtic chant and I'll scream...again.