Idiots Guide to Making Your Students Cry
...and not just like a few measly droplets that could be a byproduct of allergies. Serious tears that force the shoulders to heave and the head to droop close enough to the floor to kick like a soccer ball.
1. Have your first grade students draw a picture on standard white paper…preferably recycled, but clearly not a requirement for all the Amazon destroying fuckwits
2. Ask each student to display their picture at the front of the classroom, show to the teacher, then ask (in broken English, naturally), “What’s this?”
3. At this point, the ‘teacher’ will respond with any variation of the following:
a. “That, my dear, looks like a black and white conversion of Warhol’s soup cans. Now what is it really?”
b. “It’s a….a……um…steroids?”
c. “Beats the fuck outta me.”
d. “Viking Man? Who the fuck is Viking Man?”
Right around this time you’ll notice a few heads drop, pictures fall to the floor and chins begin to quiver. It’s no long before they're fated to burst into an all out sobfest. Congratulations! If you find this isn’t challenging enough, move on to our complimentary step four, how to emasculate your JTE in front of thirty-six students.
4. When you do manage to decipher a concrete image from the abstract shit your students have ‘drawn’ it’s preferable to respond with a simple, “It’s a ___.” However, if the image exists singularly in time and space, such as Japan, or the sun, answer with proper English, despite the fact that your JTE will correct you by exclaiming, “It’s a sun…It’s a Japan. Use a.” Oh, I’m sorry. I was under the impression I spoke English. Woah...my bad. In that case, I guess the sun really is red and wasting countless billions of dollars on advertising which utilizes a man dressed as a lychee is a fantastic idea and raw horse meat is the best food In. The. World…or, in A world if you don't believe in Croatia.
5. Feel free to quote Wayne’s World: “A gun rack. What am I gonna do with a gun rack? I don’t even own A gun, let alone many guns, that would necessitate an entire gun rack. What am I gonna do...with a gun rack?”
1. Have your first grade students draw a picture on standard white paper…preferably recycled, but clearly not a requirement for all the Amazon destroying fuckwits
2. Ask each student to display their picture at the front of the classroom, show to the teacher, then ask (in broken English, naturally), “What’s this?”
3. At this point, the ‘teacher’ will respond with any variation of the following:
a. “That, my dear, looks like a black and white conversion of Warhol’s soup cans. Now what is it really?”
b. “It’s a….a……um…steroids?”
c. “Beats the fuck outta me.”
d. “Viking Man? Who the fuck is Viking Man?”
Right around this time you’ll notice a few heads drop, pictures fall to the floor and chins begin to quiver. It’s no long before they're fated to burst into an all out sobfest. Congratulations! If you find this isn’t challenging enough, move on to our complimentary step four, how to emasculate your JTE in front of thirty-six students.
4. When you do manage to decipher a concrete image from the abstract shit your students have ‘drawn’ it’s preferable to respond with a simple, “It’s a ___.” However, if the image exists singularly in time and space, such as Japan, or the sun, answer with proper English, despite the fact that your JTE will correct you by exclaiming, “It’s a sun…It’s a Japan. Use a.” Oh, I’m sorry. I was under the impression I spoke English. Woah...my bad. In that case, I guess the sun really is red and wasting countless billions of dollars on advertising which utilizes a man dressed as a lychee is a fantastic idea and raw horse meat is the best food In. The. World…or, in A world if you don't believe in Croatia.
5. Feel free to quote Wayne’s World: “A gun rack. What am I gonna do with a gun rack? I don’t even own A gun, let alone many guns, that would necessitate an entire gun rack. What am I gonna do...with a gun rack?”
posted by Chishiki Lauren at 10:38 PM
1 Comments:
"She makes me feel all funny inside, like when I'd climb the rope in gym class"
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