An open letter to the Gentleman Sending Me Soft-Core Porn as if Written by a Kindergartner Via Email

Dear Gentleman Sending Me Soft-Core Porn as if Written by a Kindergartner Via Email,

Wow…just wow! You have read my mind. I have always wanted to be seduced by a five year old, ever since I was, ironically, five years old myself. Return to innocence, ignorance, all that. And this couldn’t have come at a better time…the middle of my work day is the perfect time for random strangers to send me porn, so that I may read while being interrupted by the twelve year old boy that likes to tug on my shirt daily and offer a ‘nice to meet you’, even though I see him every day, and have oddly enough, never met him.

I especially love that you throw in my name, randomly, as if to reiterate that you are, in fact, stalking me, in the area, and in route to my house to watch me sleep through the tiny cracks in my walls which are really just imitation plaster sure to crumble at the next onslaught of typhoons. That’s good. Really good, even. An impact. However, the rest of your writing could be improved. I’d like to recite a paragraph, if you don’t mind.

“we can do slowly dont be in hurry. u told u have to go inside soon, i said ok then u go now. want to stay with me and enjoy with me more. then i hold u cuddle with u . kiss u r cheeks lips nose, eyes ears nose. now u slowly take off ur shirt. and u take me too. now i can see u r bra. now i am kissing u r chest too. now u r soft breast become hard. it is trying to come out from the bra. so i want to make it free. i take of ur bra now. now my hand running on u r smooth stomach. before i come down u take off u r pant and now my hand touch u. u lift ur hip and feel the current shock spread all ur body now. u told i am shy so pls close ur eyes. so i close my eye. u stand now. then u ask me to open my eyes. when i open i see 1st u r pussy is it clean shaved and shining in the moon light. it make me feel happy. wow it is wonder Honey. it make me great mood too.”

First, your characters are poorly developed. I'm pretty sure the collective whole of Lifetime Television tops the depths of your actors. What are the driving factors behind the lives of ‘us’? Our motivation. Are you the pool boy who has shamelessly flirted all summer and I the restless, young girl of the house willing to do anything to defy her parents? Are you the older professor seduced by my puerile charms and curiosity despite the illegal nature of a relationship? Are you the boy next door that has tried endlessly to find his way into my heart and will have to simply settle for my bedroom? This, I feel, deserves some revision. I mean, even low budget porn has some semblance of a plot. Grammar, however, spot on my newfound friend, spot on.

Now, I imagine you’re the kind of guy the ladies flock to, and I don’t want to criticize your style, but some girls might find offense in your usage of the word ‘clit’ seven times. Or your premature assumptions and misogynistic behavior. But you know what? Screw them! You have far too much intrinsic novelty to settle for someone who won’t respect you for the failed Harlequin romance novelist that you are. The uneducated, cavity riddled, baggy pants-wearing, two-dollars-to-your-name, living-above-the-garage-from-your-mother, son of a plumber that you are.

I’m not for one minute going to accept this as a final draft, or even, accept it as a proposal of some sort.
A) You can do better.
B) Why do I feel as though you’ve seen me naked?
C) I'm starting to feel like a cracked-out whore.
D) Why do you increasingly resemble every guy I’ve ever dated?

I’m not so sure you will understand these words I’m about to say, but WE HAVE NOT, NOR WILL WE EVER, SLEEP TOGETHER.

So…call me sometime. I’m available for long-term torture.

Lauren