My day is complete
I had a lengthy conversation today, the kind that reaffirms your existence, but not only that, your ability to exist in harmony with others, to make an impact whether purposefully or accidentally. Every decision and path I have made or chosen along the way to the present has built into one identity, which until today I felt was slightly meaningless. There was so much I wanted to do, and there still is, but now I can continue with the knowledge that most of what I’d wished to accomplish I already, seemingly, have.
It’s one thing to receive affirmation and compliments from relatives…they’re obligated to praise you beyond all reason, and whether they mean it or not, it has little impact upon me. But when someone I deem of a higher intelligence than my own, incredibly compassionate and talented offers compliments based upon the 1/10th of my personality I have chosen to share, then I know I have done something right.
So I thank you. I enjoyed our conversation immensely and I’ll hold you to all of our promises.
It’s one thing to receive affirmation and compliments from relatives…they’re obligated to praise you beyond all reason, and whether they mean it or not, it has little impact upon me. But when someone I deem of a higher intelligence than my own, incredibly compassionate and talented offers compliments based upon the 1/10th of my personality I have chosen to share, then I know I have done something right.
So I thank you. I enjoyed our conversation immensely and I’ll hold you to all of our promises.
posted by Chishiki Lauren at 2:21 AM
2 Comments:
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So, finally, here it is, my confession, in the back pages of your now-defunct blog, where I doubt either your friends or mine are still paying attention. Perhaps, not even you:
It'll be two years tomorrow since our first conversation, and still, there's nothing I said that day that I wouldn't still affirm, though I presumably know you better now, both good and bad, than the "tenth" I knew of you then. I may since have been in equal parts as frustrated by you as inspired, but the latter still holds true. Seeing you smile, even by the bland proxy of a photo for whose inspiration the source is likely another, nonetheless still moves me in a way that no one else, nothing else, can approximate.
Unfortunately, I never did find in you the elusive reciprocity of sentiment I had sought against all reasonable hope and common sense, and I suppose part of me had always suspected it a foolhardy stretch of optimism anyway. Still, despite the derogations and platitudes voiced by my friends--the "you can do better" and the "she's not worth it"--there remains nonetheless that place in my recollection where I can escape from the shallow and soulless realities of workaday life, a place in the past where once existed the hope of my being loved by someone of whose love I felt utterly undeserving, where you alone, and to me alone, remained "My Lauren".
Anyhow, you have your present measure of happiness; I, my memories. No, it's hardly a fair distribution, but among all the possible inequities of happiness that could have been, I'd still rather see the one in which you possess the greater share. You certainly deserve it. Take care, Lauren.
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